Questions Not To Ask When Visiting Home
Tl;Dr I’m a terrible house guest
Thanks fam for putting me up while I was in town. Again. I’m not going to apologise because, in the words of Kanye - 'my presence is a present kiss my ass'.
But I will admit, I’m a little too comfortable with you to make staying with you particularly easy on any of you. So for that, Moz, I wrote a list of passive aggressive questions I asked while I stayed with you over Christmas — which is about as close to an apology as you’re gonna get. Plus now you can forever share this with all your friend’s who think I’m a perfect, low-maintenance child. I kid, no one thinks that.
“Do you usually leave candles burning when no one’s home or is it just when there’s a 5–15% chance I’ll swing by?”Jen seriously, for the love of Batman, you need to stop doing this.
“Are these the same leftovers as when I was here last month, or do you cook everything on repeat?” I’m just frustrated I can’t eat any of it.
“Is this the almond milk I bought six months ago or have you realised dairy makes you all feel terrible?”I know it’s the same almond milk. I don’t throw it out when I visit because now I find it too entertaining.
“How can you NOT love Thai food?!”Seriously Jen, HOW?
“Can I please borrow this skirt/dress/top/jacket?”Apparently it’s insincere to ask when I’m already wearing it.
“Of course I’ll give it back, why would you ask that?”I’m sorry for taking that skirt. And blouse. And singlet. I’m not sorry about that dress.
“Do you want a beer or something?”Apparently underage drinking is still frowned upon in some cultures.
“Do I need to?” Will you die? Cause I’m really not in the mood to do anything with this hangover.
“Could Jen do it? I did [Insert small task here]” Sorry Jen, all’s fair when Moz is dishing out chores
“So, how important was it that I…?” Yeah, I totally forgot to do it.
“Why? Is someone coming over?” Because no one but you will know if I live out of a suitcase in your living room. It will be our little secret Moz, like a mother-daughter bonding thing.
“Have you tried..” Sorry Jen, I love watching you play PS4 and I know full well I’m a terrible backseat gamer. Particularly when I finished the game before lending it to you.
“Can I let you know when I figure it out?” When I’m in town for 48 hours my decisions tend to be 5 minutes past the last minute. I’m used to living alone now, I’m yet to grasp the cascading impacts of my plans.
Love you all. I’ll be back. I know I’m fun so you’re welcome xx